Truthfully,
I've been ignoring this post, because I'm still trying to deal with it myself. It makes me angry, agitated and just miserable.
My anxiety
I have a generalized anxiety disorder, but truthfully it feels so much more then just that. It corrupts my thoughts, forces me to cling to lies, and when I can't do all the things, I do none of them.
My anxiety started as early as I can remember. Having a mom who was sick with a heart condition, never knowing if she was going to be there when we got home from school, or at the hospital; was terrifying. We spent most of our childhood missing school just to stay home and spend time with her; and she never faught us, because she loved having us there too. It was hard because we missed out on so much, never did any school activities, barley made passing grades, and sports where just to fill a void that I truthfully only did to make my dad happy but spent most of the time with the school trainer, complaining about aches and pains.
I skated by. I did the bare minimum, when to school then came home, or, I'd call at lunch to have my mom come pick me up, and we'd fit to Applebees for some chips and salsa. I avoided all problems, and situations rather then facing them head on; and my mom did too.
I've never accepted hard task, I've never really made myself work for anything, I've always been a quitter, never finishing anything I start, which in the long run, aides my depression, because I have never truly believed in myself, my goals, or my dreams.
My anxiety has been debilitating, captivating my thoughts, and robbing me of peace and joy and filling my mind with fear, and garbage lies I have believed way too long.
I want to manage, not to be managed by my anxiety, so I took a leap of faith, and now, I'm just doing everything I can to move forward.
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