When I was young, we started chores at an early age. In my opinion, even now as an adult and a parent myself, I still agree with mg inner child, I didn't get much time to be a kid.
Now, I am not bashing my parents. It wasn't done as a punishment, it kept us out of a lot of trouble. I mean we still found it, but it could have been so much worse. With my moms heart condition, she was limited on things she could do, so my dad had us help out with age appropriate chores, cleaning up our stuff, making our beds, playing nice, and helping our mom with whatever she needed. As we grew, so did our chore list. My dad had his own chores for his days off, things he didn't want us doing, because it was either unsafe, or something he rather do on his own. After a role he taught me, like mowing the lawn, cleaning toilets and helping wash cars and other things so he didn't have to do it all the time.
We would get invited to go do things, or want friends to come over, or go to their house but we also always felt guilty. We md er wanted to disturb our mom, or make her even more sick. The days she really encouraged us to go, we would but would just be so shy because we worried about mom.
I spent my spare time in my room. Rearranging it. That was my hobby. Keeping my room cleaned and organized was what I felt like was fun. I'd empty my drawers out, refold and organize them. Rearrange my closet, and then I'd push all my furniture to the middle of the room to vacuum underneath and see how many creative ways I could rearrange my room. My Friday nights as a 13 year old I would spend doing this, and doodling or writing in my journals.
I tried sports and didn't like them. I attempted chours, but felt like I didn't sing well enough. I tried clubs, I tried dances, and I just felt awkward and uncomfortable. I didn't know how to be a kid even when the opportunities came my way. I feel like I was a middle aged woman in a teenagers body completely missing out on moments because of my fears of being judged. "What if I played a game wrong" "what if I look like an identity" "she can do that so we'll, I never could."
Yep, I believed all the lies that got put into my head, mainly from myself. So what did I do?
well, I quit.
I got really good at quitting. If I didn't feel comfortable, I didn't force myself, and neither did my mom. My dad would have rather me suck it up and do the work but my mom would talk him down anytime because she said it wasn't worth the fight if we had no desire or motivation...
All my life I had no ambition. I was never drawn to a dream, or a purpose. I'd sit and say dream about having my own home, being married with kids, but I just assumed that was the dream. There's was my purpose, to be mom and that was it.
Now don't get me wrong, I love my title as "mommy" but now at almost 35 years old, I'd like to have another one, a different one. One that describes me. I just don't know what that is. Yet.
Now before you go thinking my life was horrible and completely waisted as a kid, I did downs a lot of time with my cousins, and my younger sister, mt mom would take us to do things on days she felt good, and my dad would do anything we wanted outside; and if he was home. He worked 80 hours a week and the time he was limited on free time. They did take us to New York, and to Florida. We saw Massachusetts a few times with school but really, we all were homebodies curled up in bed by 8pm with mom watching Carol Brunette or I love Lucy.
I enjoyed the time I had with my mom and my sister and the rest of the family, but my bigger issue was my fear to change, to do anything else, to be a kid and just get a bit crazy.
I'm working on that plan as an adult now, but in order to do it, I have to break down this mental battle.
Starting with the lie of being incapable of change.
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